Once again in this situation I think: Where is God? Can it be that we have this almighty, all-loving Person taking care of us? If so, where is He?
Such a question is so full of doubt, so empty of the total abandonment and trust we’re called to! Mercifully, the Spirit comes to blow these temptations, like chaff, into nothingness, leaving only the positive lesson of the wheat.
It first came to me five years ago as a dear friend was clearly losing her fight against cancer. Yes, for her it was a fight. Though she was a tender soul, it was important for her to show strength against this enemy.
At her request, her husband and I carefully lifted her from the wheel chair into the easy chair in their living room. “I feel so helpless!” she sighed. The Holy Spirit gave me words to hopefully reverse her sense of uselessness.
“But think, Connie,” I said; “you’re giving us this opportunity to show how much we care for you!”
So while I continue even now to plod through this convalescence, I still have these loathsome doubts, these useless fears of losing sight of God. But before this thought is even completed, my phone rings: a friend from the Monastery wants to bring me homemade pasta marinara. Thirty seconds into that call, another flashes across the screen. It’s from a beloved spiritual friend whose conversation alternates between encouraging truths and light-hearted jokes. The next morning I find even more supportive messages from friends and family via email, phone and text. It seems that even technology wants to get into the act!
I remember the words I had been given to say to Connie, and I understand once again that God is right here, hearing me for the umpteenth time, even before I finish saying anything foolish about his absence as I persist in my useless fear.
If I’m going to insist on anything, it ought to be on prayer and trust.
But since God has made me (and the rest of us) as an earthen vessel, since He has given me this disintegrating tent as a temporary dwelling, He knows that doubt and fear are second nature to me — second, mind you, not first. Shaping the clay pot that is my earthly existence, He has infinite patience and knowledge as He chips away and polishes every little out-of-place bump. From my viewpoint, it’s a case of flaws vs. perfection. From God’s point of view, it’s the pleasure of an ongoing creation, pulling me along to join in the exercise, just as a virtuoso musician keeps repeating a phrase until it sounds effortless.
In my human, foolish and childish imagination, I see the Holy Trinity stepping back (metaphorically) every few (metaphorical) minutes, showing me off to One another:
“Look! I think she’s starting to look like what we had in mind! We did a good thing to give her these minor physical and spiritual hardships. Even though we need to give her constant reminders, she has helped us create a situation where others are opened up to receive our Love, because they’ve been open to feeling compassion for her and showing her their love.
“In their sympathy for her, they’ve opened a door for Us to enter their space and time element. Don’t You wish they would finally understand this? We keep repeating this lesson, and all they see is our absence and not the miraculous presence that this temporary hardship is providing. How much happier they would be if they could see love and grace rushing through that opened door, offering words of comfort, love and thanks from inside out, outside in, and making us all one together in this small trial !”
Maybe sometimes, after all, it is more blessed to receive than to give.