Birthdays are times for special introspection. Who am I? How did I get to be where I am? Where do I go from here? This weekend also marks the publication of my 100th post, so it seems that something a bit different is needed.
A few years ago at the end of a day of recollection, the facilitator directed us to answer a basic question, “Who Am I?” At first, this seemed an impossible task: to simply discover in the few minutes allowed, and then to uncover what represented my very self. What resulted was this flood of thoughts that came from some place that I knew I could trust.
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Who Am I?
I am a paradox.
An orphan among many.
The little sister: sometimes cherished, sometimes taunted.
Gifted, but skeptical of her gifts.
Bold, outgoing, but dreamer and loner as well.
Intrepid but solitary traveler through the mountains and valleys of emotion,
Clinging to ideals, wary of love.
Looking for the secret of pleasing others
(isn’t that what we’re supposed to do?),
But finding only more that’s needed.
Successes were plentiful,
But seemed to come so easily that their value was
Voided.
I am a seeker of love: why should that be difficult?
I am a Pisces – reeled in by a fisherman,
Helped to adapt to a dryland existence,
the terra firma of a practical life,
morphing from the dreamer to a different life
of confident success.
But too soon thrown back into the water.
The ocean that was God nearly swallowed me up.
The water changed into wine:
I was inebriated.
All the past came together, like filings drawn by a magnet into an uncoordinated whole,
Like a school of fish into the net.
One by one,
The parts have become distinct, not by my hand,
but sorted out by that great warm hand
That knows exactly where each part fits.
No need to struggle;
No need to need.
I am buoyant in this water.
I don’t need to know how to swim.
I needn’t gasp when my head is submerged,
Because I am held up.
His Breath fills me.
I float without struggling.
